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Why do so many lawyers have broken noses? From chasing parked ambulances.
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What do you call a lawyer who doesn't chase ambulances? Retired.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? The vulture doesn't get
Freuent Flyer Miles.
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What do you have when you have 100 lawyers up to their necks in sand? Not enough
sand.
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What is the difference between a dead lawyer in the middle of the road and a dead
skunk in the middle of the road? There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
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What do you call 10 lawyers on the bottom of the ocean? A good start.
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Why won't sharks attack lawyers? Professional courtesy.
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How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? Cut the rope
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Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer? Take your foot off his head!
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What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")? When a
busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
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What is the definition of a "crying shame"? There was an empty seat.
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What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer? An offer you can't
understand
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Where can you find a good lawyer? In the cemetery
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A vampire only gets blood
at night.
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What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster? When a rooster wakes up in
the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.
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When will you see a pole with a worm at both ends? When you go fishing with a
lawyer
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How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you afford?
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Why did the lawyer cross the road? To sue the chicken on the other side.
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Why does California have the most lawyers, and New Jersey, the most toxic waste
dumps? New Jersey got to choose.
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What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A Doberman pinscher.
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How do you keep a lawyer from drowning? Shoot him before he hits the water.
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What do you call 10,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.
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Why are lawyers' brains so expensive? It takes so many to make an ounce.
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What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 75? Your honor.
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What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer? Accountants know
they're boring.
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What do you call an honest lawyer? An impossibility.
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Why should you swerve to avoid hitting a lawyer on a bicycle? That bicycle might
be yours!
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How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? You take off your shoes
to jump on a trampoline.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a pothole? People will try to avoid
hitting a pothole.
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What's the difference between an accident and a calamity? It's an accident when a
bus full of lawyers plunges off the road into a river. It's a calamity if they can swim.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a bulldog? A bulldog generally has
enough sense to let go.
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What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull? Lipstick.
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Why are scientists now using lawyers in laboratory experiments instead of rats?
Three reasons: 1) lawyers are more plentiful than rats; 2) there is no danger the
scientists will become attached to the lawyers; and 3) there are some things rats just
won't do. (Mind you, the scientists are finding it difficult to extrapolate the results of
the experiments to human beings.)
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What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association
convention? The caterer.
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Why does the bar association prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? To
prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
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What's the difference between yogurt and the American Bar Association? Yogurt has
culture.
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What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell? Another lawyer.
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What is a criminal lawyer? Redundant. What do you get when you cross a bad
politician with a crooked lawyer? Chelsea
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What do you call a person who assists a criminal in breaking the law before the
criminal gets arrested? An accomplice.
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What do you call a person who assists a criminal in breaking the law after the
criminal gets arrested? A lawyer.
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What do you buy a friend who is graduating from law school? A lobotomy.
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Where do vampires learn to suck blood? Law school. How many lawyers does it take
to change a lightbulb? 54. Eight to argue, 1 to get a continuance, 1 to object, 1 to
demur, 2 to research precedents, 1 to dictate a letter, 1 to stipulate, 5 to turn in their
time cards, 1 to depose, 1 to write interrogatories, 2 to settle, 1 to order a secretary
to change the bulb, and 28 to bill for professional services.
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How many corporate attorneys does it take to change a light bulb? Who knows? You
need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
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How many defense attorneys does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you
afford?
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How many divorce attorneys does it take to change a light bulb? It only takes one
divorce attorney to change your light bulb to his light bulb.
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How many personal injury attorneys does it take to change a light bulb? Three --
one to turn the bulb, one to shake him off the ladder, and the third to sue the ladder
company.
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How many contract attorneys does it take to change a light bulb? Whereas the
party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the part of the second
part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction
wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current
position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the
lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front
(north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just outside the primary living
area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the
option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not reuired by the aforementioned
agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but
not be limited to, the following steps:1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall,
with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any
other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the
party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being
non-negotiable.2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb)
becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of
the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part
(Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal
statutes.3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part
(Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part
("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with
the reverse of the procedures hereinbefore described in step one of this self-same
document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction,
this point also be non-negotiable.NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the
option of the party of the first part (Lawyer) by any or all persons authorized by him,
the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part,
also known as "Partnership."
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How many judges does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one; he holds it
still and the whole world revolves around him.
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Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down
the street together when the simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The
old drunk, of course; the other three are just mythical creatures.
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Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons? If one side has one, the other side has to
get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything
forever.
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Why is doing business with a lawyer almost like having sex while using a condom?
Because you enjoy a wonderful feeling of safety and security while you know you're being
screwed!
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What's the definition of a lawyer? A mouth with a life-support system.
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What do you get if you put 100 lawyers in your basement? A whine cellar. Why
should lawyers wear lots of sunscreen when vacationing at a beach resort? Because they're
used to doing all of their lying indoors.
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Your attorney and your mother-in-law are trapped in a burning building. You only
have time to save one of them. Do you have lunch or go to a movie?
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Why did the lawyer cross the road? To sue the chicken on the other side.
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Why did God invent lawyers? So that used car salesmen would have someone to look
down on.
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How can you tell if your lawyer is worthless? Ask him if he's a member of the
bar.
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Why do they bury lawyers 24 feet deep? Because deep down, they're really good
people.
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How can you tell if there's an afterlife for lawyers? Because after they die,
they lie still.
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What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A Doberman pinscher.
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What did the lawyer name his daughter? Sue. And his son? Bill.
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What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer? Nothing. There are some things
even a pig won't do
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How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving train? Never enough.
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How many lawyers does it take to roof a house? It depends on how thin you slice
them.
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How do you know when your divorce is getting ugly? When your lawyer doesn't seem
like a bloodsucking leech any more.
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Why does California have the most lawyers, and New Jersey, the most toxic waste
dumps? New Jersey got first pick.
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What do slime molds have more of than lawyers? Respect.
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Why did the Post Office have to recall the new stamps with pictures of famous
lawyers on them? People couldn't tell which side to spit on.
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What's the difference between a poisonous snake and a lawyer? You can make a pet
out of the snake.
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What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche with two lawyers riding
in it? A porcupine has pricks on the outside.
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What's the difference between a divorce lawyer and a boxing referee? A boxing
referee doesn't get paid extra for a longer fight.
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What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer? A bad lawyer can
let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo? The lawyer charges
more. What is the difference between baseball and the law? In baseball, if you're caught
stealing, you're out.
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What's one more difference between a vulture and a lawyer? Vultures wait 'til
you're dead before they rip your heart out.
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What's another difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the
road? Vultures will eat the skunk.
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What's the difference between a lawyer on a Harley and a vacuum cleaner? The
vacuum has the dirt bag on the inside.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute? Clothes.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion? You cry when you cut up an
onion.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? You take off your shoes
before you jump on the trampoline.
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What's wrong with Lawyer jokes? Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody
else thinks they're jokes.
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What is a contingent fee? A contingent fee means, if the lawyer doesn't win your
suit, he gets nothing. If the lawyer does win it, you get nothing.
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How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb Answer #1: Fifty four. Eight
to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research
precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time sheets,
two to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to
change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services. Answer #2: It only
takes one lawyer to change your light bulb... to his. Answer #3: How many can you afford?
Answer #4: Heck, you need 250 just to apply for the research grant.
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How do you get a group of lawyers to smile for a picture? Just say
"Fees!"
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Why are lawyers so good at racketball? Because they stoop so low. What would
happen if you lock a zombie in a room full of lawyers? He would starve to death. What do
you call a lawyer with an I..Q. of 50? Senator.
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What does it mean when a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule?
It means that after you pay his bill, it's financially hard to get back on your feet.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee? A boxing referee
doesn't get paid extra for a longer fight.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a computer nerd? Sooner or later
everyone needs a lawyer. What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo? A gigolo
only screws one person at a time.
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Did you hear about the group of terrorists that hijacked a plane full of lawyers?
They called down to ground control with their list of demands, threatening that if their
demands weren't met, they would release one lawyer every hour
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