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"Death
ray, my ass!" exclaimed the patent lawyer, leaning back inside
his office window. "It doesn't even slow them down!"
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Did
you hear about the terrorist who hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't
met.
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Any
time a lawyer is seen and not heard, it's a shame to wake him.
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If
you can't find a lawyer who knows the law, find one who knows
the judge.
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Animals
aren't as stupid as people think: after all, they don't have any
lawyers.
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A
lawyer is an expert on justice in the same way a prostitute is
an expert on love.
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A
man who dies without a will has lawyers for heirs.
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Between
grand theft and a legal fee, There only stands a law degree.
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The
defendant who pleads their own case may have a fool for a client,
but at least there's no problem with fee-splitting.
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"He
who has said that 'talk is cheap', has never hired a lawyer."
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There
are two kinds of lawyers: Those that know the law and those that
know the judge.
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Criminal
Lawyer's Creed: A man is innocent until proven bankrupt.
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In
this recession, times are tough everywhere, but in Chicago things
are so bad that the Mafia had to lay off seven judges.
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The
reason law schools have been described as "a place for the
accumulation of learning" is that first-year students bring
some in, third-year students take none out--and so knowledge accumulates.
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Did
you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
It's called Sosumi."
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Jury(n):
a collection of people assembled for the purpose of deciding who
hired the better lawyer.
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Lawyers
are safe from the threat of automation taking over their profession.
No one would build a robot to do nothing.
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Changing
lawyers is like changing decks on the Titanic.
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There
are two kinds of lawyers -- those who know the law and those who
know the judge.
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Arguing
with a lawyer is like mud wrestling with a pig: after a while
you realize that the pig is at home in the mud.
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Lawyers
and computers have both been proliferating since 1970. Unfortunately,
lawyers, unlike computers, have not gotten twice as efficient
and half as expensive every 18 months.
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"Everybody
in my family follows the medical profession. They're all lawyers."
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The
trouble with the legal profession is that 98% of its members give
the rest a bad name.
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It
was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer walking down the street
with his hands in his own pockets.
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Four
out of five doctors say that if they were stranded on a deserted
island with no lawyers, they wouldn't need any Tylenol.
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A
town too small to support one lawyer can always support two.
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If
a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only
save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
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One
juror overheard saying to another..."You'll notice that neither
the prosecutor or defense attorney swore to tell the truth!"
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